Born or Made? The Root Cause of Perfectionism, and How to Overcome It
Perfectionism is a personality trait that causes people to set impossibly high standards for themselves. It’s not just about being a high achiever – it’s about putting pressure on yourself to be flawless at all times. In some ways, you could say that perfectionists don’t give themselves permission to be human – to make mistakes and be messy.
So many of us have perfectionistic tendencies. But what is the root cause of perfectionism? Are people born with perfectionism, or do we learn it over time?
Here’s what research says about the root cause of perfectionism, and how anxiety therapy could help.
What is the root cause of perfectionism?
It would be nice to single out one root of perfectionism to be able to address it. Unfortunately, perfectionism doesn’t quite work that way.
The root cause of perfectionism for you could be very different from the root of perfectionism in someone else. At its core, perfectionism is about believing that you must be absolutely perfect to be acceptable or “good” – that you’re not allowed to make mistakes. But there is a wide variety of things that could lead to these core beliefs.
Here are some of the main causes of perfectionism.
Low self-esteem: People who struggle with self-esteem and self-worth can be more at risk for perfectionism. If you don’t have a strong sense of self-worth, then you may be more likely to beat yourself up for even the smallest mistakes. Without a clear sense of self – a belief in your inherent value – you become more likely to tie your self-worth to external accomplishments, which then leads you to believe you must be perfect in everything you do just to be worthy.
High family expectations: In certain families and cultures, there are high standards placed upon children. This could be due to so many reasons. For example, for many of us whose family histories include immigration, oppression, and forced assimilation (like my own), there may have been a silent rule that making mistakes could be dangerous. Or you may have been born to a high-achieving family who expected you to meet the same standards. Having these high expectations placed on you by your family can cause you to feel like you can’t afford to take any missteps.
Societal, media, and peer expectations: As they say, comparison is the thief of joy. But with the advent of social media, comparing yourself against your peers – and, somehow, always coming up short –- has become all too easy. The resulting pressure, especially for today’s young people, is often overwhelming. It can lead you to feel like you need to be perfect just to measure up.
Cognitive distortions: Cognitive distortions are irrational and unhelpful thinking patterns that we all fall into from time to time. Certain cognitive distortions could both cause and be caused by perfectionism, turning irrational thinking and perfectionism into a vicious cycle. For example, take all-or-nothing thinking – you believe people are either a success or a failure, with no room for any gray area. In reality, everyone is successful sometimes, and fails at others – it’s the nature of life! Having a tendency to think in all-or-nothing ways about achievement and success could lead to perfectionistic tendencies.
Mental health conditions: Perfectionism is not a mental health disorder – it’s a personality trait. But some mental health conditions are highly linked with perfectionism. Research has found that people with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) are more likely to be perfectionists (although it’s important to note that OCD is not the same thing as perfectionism). People with depression or anxiety could have lower self-esteem, which could then lead to perfectionism. There’s also a well-known link between perfectionism and eating disorders.
Does trauma cause perfectionism?
Sometimes, traumatic experiences – especially early childhood trauma like emotional abuse – can lead to perfectionism in adults. If you were punished or abused for making mistakes, then that could have naturally led to a tendency to punish yourself for mistakes and set impossible standards for yourself.
Overly parentified children may also be likely to become perfectionists. Regardless of the reason you had to “grow up” sooner than expected as a child – you might have had younger siblings to look after or been raised by a chronically ill parent – you probably adopted the core belief that “I need to be the responsible one.” This can lead to perfectionistic traits as an adult, or feeling like you don’t have the same leeway as everyone else to make mistakes.
Research has found a link between adverse childhood experiences (including abuse and neglect) and perfectionism. Perfectionistic people are also more likely to develop post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) after experiencing a traumatic event.
Is perfectionism born or made?
So is perfectionism always caused by something external, or are some people just born with it? The general consensus is that perfectionism is caused by a combination of genetics and environment.
Twin studies show that there does seem to be a genetic component to perfectionism. You’re also more likely to be a perfectionist if you have a parent who’s a perfectionist as well.
But genetics aren’t the only thing that affects a child’s risk for perfectionism; kids watch their parents for how to react to the world around them. If they observe their parents constantly beating themselves up for making even small mistakes, then they may adopt this perfectionistic behavior as well.
How to let go of perfectionism
Many people, especially high achievers, feel as though perfectionism is a strength. And some researchers believe that perfectionism can be adaptive for some people, and helps them work hard to achieve their goals.
However, for most people, perfectionism is maladaptive, and can have the opposite effect. Maladaptive perfectionism can actually stand in the way of your goals because it causes you to be so terrified of not being perfect that you end up not trying at all. Maladaptive perfectionism causes procrastination, burnout, impaired relationships, a tendency to avoid challenges, and more.
Here are some things to consider if you’re ready to let go of perfectionism.
Adopt a mindfulness practice. Mindfulness is the ancient practice of training the mind to stay in the here and now, regardless of what else is going on internally or externally. Mindfulness can help you notice when you’re getting too attached to rigid, perfectionistic standards. With mindfulness, you can start to become more aware of the patterns of perfectionism and make adjustments when necessary.
Challenge cognitive distortions. When you notice your thinking patterns causing stress, challenge them with concrete facts. For example, you might make a small mistake at work and find yourself thinking: “I’m a total loser. I never get anything right.” You can challenge this thought with the actual facts: “I got it wrong this time. But I’ve gotten things right before. I succeed sometimes and make mistakes sometimes, just like everyone else.”
Take a good look at your goals. It’s good to dream big, but it’s also important to make sure that your goals are achievable and aligned with your values. Have you set unrealistic goals because of a pressure to achieve, or because you truly want to accomplish these things? And how would you move forward if you don’t accomplish them? Would you beat yourself up or find ways to adjust your goals?
Work with a therapist. Although perfectionism isn’t a mental health condition, it often requires intervention and tends to get worse when it’s unaddressed. A therapist can help you challenge cognitive distortions, explore and address whatever is the root cause of perfectionism for you, and learn to practice self-compassion.
Therapy for perfectionism in Irvine & Online
Perfectionism can be a lonely experience filled with feelings of shame and anxiety. Regardless of what has caused you to become a perfectionist, you don’t have to go through this alone. I provide individual therapy for perfectionists and high achievers, in addition to therapy for mental health disorders related to perfectionism like OCD.
Getting started is easy. Schedule a free 15-minute consultation with me here!
I can provide online therapy for perfectionism in California, as well as in-person. My office is located in Irvine, which is near Newport Beach, Orange, Fountain Valley, Costa Mesa, Anaheim, Huntington Beach, Mission Viejo, Laguna Niguel, Aliso Viejo, Laguna Hills, Tustin, Seal Beach, and beyond. I provide video therapy to individuals who live in California, including Orange County, San Diego, Los Angeles, Santa Barbara, San Francisco, and more. I work with OCD, anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, and Asian American & Pacific Islanders.
Disclaimer: This information is being provided to you for educational and informational purposes only. The topics being discussed are meant as a self-help tool for your own use. It is not psychotherapy or counseling. This information is to be used based on your own judgment. If you need to speak with a professional, you should find one local to you and contact them directly.