The Most Important Step After a Break up by Robyn Tamanaha, LMFT
Emotions following a break up can leave us feeling very disoriented, confused, and upset. It is not uncommon to find oneself repeatedly ruminating over the details of what could have happened. Individuals may attempt to process what happened by engaging in a mental replay of past events in hopes that they can fill in the missing pieces to the puzzle. Also while they still grieve the loss of their envisioned future with their former partner. There is nothing wrong with trying to process what may have led to the closing of that relationship. This is a normal and important step. However, it won’t be beneficial to spend an extended amount of time in a vicious cycle of repeatedly asking the same questions. This is when a more structured approach to a healing process might be helpful. Below are some aspects to consider.
Pros and Cons
After a break up, an individual might find themself dwelling on the positive aspects of their ex-partner or the relationship they once shared. This reflection may include an extensive list, or in some cases, just a few valuable points. However, it is crucial to acknowledge both the positives and the negatives in a non judgemental manner, as this evaluation will be helpful in processing the overall experience. The purpose of this exercise is not to vilify your ex partner, but rather to ensure a complete understanding of what did or did not work in the relationship. Identifying what could have been done better can be helpful for when the individual is ready for a future relationship.
Needs and Values
Once an evaluation that includes both positives and negatives has been set into place, one can begin realizing their own needs and values. This can involve considering what needs are desired to a higher degree, or which values are prioritized during challenging times. Even difficult relationships can provide helpful insight for personal growth, allowing the individual to identify what matters to them most in a partner and in a relationship.
Grief and Loss
A break up is a type of loss, which sometimes can be traumatic depending on the nature of the relationship or break up. When an individual experiences a loss they might contemplate their life without their former partner, reminisce on shared memories, envision an altered future without this person, experience disruptions in sleep or changes in appetite, and struggle with constant waves of emotions. All of these are natural occurrences following a loss. Some individuals feel stuck and have trouble coping with the loss to the point where it impacts their relationships with others. This can also negatively affect their decision making skills, ability to complete responsibilities at home, work, or school. For this, a therapist can assist with processing the loss so that the individual can move forward at a pace that works for them.
Processing a break up is natural and can be helpful. If you would like assistance with this, therapy can help. If you are interested in receiving therapy with me, let’s schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation.
I provide video therapy to individuals living anywhere within the state of California. My office is located in Irvine, which is near Newport Beach, Orange, Fountain Valley, Costa Mesa, Anaheim, Huntington Beach, Mission Viejo, Laguna Niguel, Aliso Viejo, Laguna Hills, Tustin, Seal Beach, and beyond. I provide video therapy to individuals who live in California, including Orange County, San Diego, Los Angeles, Santa Barbara, San Francisco, at more. I work with OCD, anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, relationships, breakups, stress, and Asian American & Pacific Islanders.
Disclaimer: This information is being provided to you for educational and informational purposes only. The topics being discussed are meant as a self-help tool for you own use. It is not psychotherapy or counseling. This information is to be used based on your own judgment. If you need to speak with a professional, you should find one local to you and contact them directly.