The Pressure to Feel Better by Robyn Tamanaha, LMFT

When an individual doesn’t feel well emotionally (for example: stressed out, sad, angry, conflicted, grieving, worried, etc.), they may be unsure about what to do in situations where they feel like they “should” feel better or act like things are fine.

Below are a few examples of this:

Example #1 People asking, “How are you?”

Some people may ask this as a causal greeting and you may feel a jolt inside because your response, “I’m okay,” is not how you really feel. If it’s a passerby or acquaintance you are not close with, it’s okay to provide a simple response, such as I’m okay, rather than delving into how you truly feel. If it’s a friend or loved one, you get to decide how much you would like to disclose. Prior to disclosing how you truly feel, it may be helpful to first consider who the other person is and if you feel comfortable opening up to them. A tricky situation some individuals find themselves in is opening up to someone who is not empathetic or has not provided any emotional support in the past. Ideally, when an individual opens up, they want to be validated in how they feel, so if the other person does not provide this then the distressed individual may feel worse.

Example #2 People may act frustrated, give limited responses, or slowly stop communicating.

When an individual who isn’t feeling well emotionally opens up to another person, the other person may respond in ways that are not helpful, such as responding with their expectations of how the individual should be feeling or how the individual should move forward. Other times, people may respond with very limited responses, such as “Oh,” and then changing the subject or their focus to having a conversation with someone else. This leaves the individual who isn’t feeling well emotionally to experience guilt, a sense of failure, embarrassment, more anger, or feeling misunderstood. One helpful tip is to identify the individual(s) in your life who are calm, understanding, and who you already have a positive relationship with. Those are your go-to people who you can open up to. This doesn’t mean that you need to shut down and stay away from others, because others could be the ones who you talk to other things about to help distract yourself.

Example #3 An individual who isn’t feeling well emotionally is in therapy and has put pressure on themselves to “get better” and to do so quickly. This is usually expressed with, “I just want to get better and stop feeling this way right now.”

Therapy is a safe space to heal; however, clients need to first process/think about what they’re going through, which can take time. Through therapy, clients sit with their experience, piece it apart, and explore how it impacted them. This helps clients sort through their internal (mind/body) experience and external (what it did to their life) experience and make sense of it so that they can continue to move forward. In-between all of this, the client is practicing skills that were discussed in therapy, which can also take time because the bulk of this practice is when the client is at home and in the community. It’s good to remind yourself that you can reach the end goal of getting better because you already have the motivation to begin with, and that taking the time to go through each phase in therapy is important because they are the steps to achieve that end goal.

You don’t have to do this alone. I specialize in bipolar disorder. If you are interested in receiving therapy with me, let’s schedule a free 15-minute phone consult.

I provide video therapy to people who live in the state of California. My office is located in Irvine, which is near Newport Beach, Orange, Fountain Valley, Costa Mesa, Anaheim, Huntington Beach, Mission Viejo, Laguna Niguel, Aliso Viejo, Laguna Hills, Tustin, Seal Beach, and beyond. I work with anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, and Asian American & Pacific Islanders.

Disclaimer: This information is being provided to you for educational and informational purposes only. The topics being discussed are meant as a self-help tool for you own use. It is not psychotherapy or counseling. This information is to be used based on your own judgment. If you need to speak with a professional, you should find one local to you and contact them directly.

**IF THIS IS AN EMERGENCY, PLEASE CALL YOUR LOCAL EMERGENCY NUMBER OR GO TO YOUR NEAREST EMERGENCY DEPARTMENT. **